Lately I figured out how I’m keeping myself stuck.
You know, I grew up in a household where my needs were not deemed as important as my parents’ needs. If we had conflicting needs, I couldn’t count on a fair negotiation where my feelings were treated as equally important. Instead, I had to consider myself lucky when they were so grateful to meet me … well, not halfway, rather pretty close to their interests.
As a consequence, I don’t have a natural feeling of being in control of my own life and of what happens to me. Neither do I trust that I can stand up for myself. Instead, I tend to feel threatened and cornered when something happens that seriously upsets me.
Some weeks ago, when I was really unhappy with my field of studies, I analyzed what I did that made me feel stuck. I came up with several behaviors:
- Staying in a field of studies that I don’t see myself working in.
- Not having the skills to always voice my needs when necessary.
- Paying close attention to how people look at me on the street.
- Distracting myself when I am in a potentially stressful situation instead of facing the feelings that come up and helping myself through.
- Perfectionism (i.e. not getting anything done due to procrastination because of the possibility of failure)
All of these points create stress, which is rather ironic because I want to be good to myself. But I will not heal when I don’t learn to leave these old habits behind.
Unfortunately, it’s not really intuitive to stay with the anxiety, fear and other uncomfortable feelings that (would) come up (if) when I want to face the reasons for these habits.
Still a hard, long way to go.