I have a hard time not working too much at once/really taking breaks. I always feel like I could (when I’m not depressed) or should (when I’m depressed) do more. I also don’t manage to choose reasonable times for breaks (they are usually too short/I end up doing something anyway.) So I have a new idea: when I prepare something for uni/do paperwork or anything that’s definitely not free time, I’ll write down how long I have been working on it. This way, at the end of the day, I can look back and have a more realistic view on what I’ve actually achieved. Hopefully, it will also help reduce my anxiety of not doing EVERYTHING NOW and help with taking breaks because I deserve them.
Archive for September, 2012
Or something. One particular comment thread over at Captain Awkward’s has been especially helpful, so I’ll just link the comments here. The question was how you develop thicker skin.
From one diminutive and often-condescended-to person to another, my favourite jerk-deflection technique is to just raise my eyebrows and stare at the person for a moment. I’ve learned this is a particularly effective way to leverage your aura of quiet mystery into making the person extremely uncomfortable. And personally, I find it a lot easier than actually saying something cutting, but maybe that’s just me.
Number five, which offers these gems
6) I decided my self-esteem was not transitory and dependent upon the whims of others. This includes my subordinates and my supervisors. I do treat everyone with the same respect.
7) I have a strong system of beliefs that I do not compromise. Those beliefs are more important to me than being popular or well-liked. Peer pressure does not work on me. You want to call me a prude because I don’t want to talk about threesomes at work? I can live with that. Maybe the world needs more prudes. You want me to clock you in and out? Sorry, I don’t commit fraud for co-workers. Find another stooge. I have a quick temper and enough righteous indignation to inspire caution in others. [Note: this last bit may not actually be very good advice].
9) Even though I have a well-developed filter, I have a voice and I use it. I have some prepared comebacks that I deploy when needed. My responses if someone calls me a bitch: “You have no idea” or “So glad you noticed!” I engage the Death Stare and then follow it with a big friendly smile. [Note: this is usually with a random stranger and is usually in a public space, like the mall parking lot at Christmas].
and a classic that is not to be forgotten by number six
When someone says something hurtful and mean, I stop, blink, and say these wonderful words:
“I’m sorry. What did you say?”
There is this good old problem that, when I feel good for once, I think, “From now on, it will be like this forever.” Nope, it won’t. But I really like to believe it. In order to change this, because like this, disappointment is inevitable and self-blaming is likely to follow, I try to accept that I just am a certain way.
I still have this concept of “being normal” in my head an it doesn’t help a bit. There is no “normal”. There is just a huuuuge range of personalities, bodies, habits, mental states and so on. So now, I try to keep in mind that I am special. I am special in the sense that I, like everyone else, need certain accommodations to help me live my life in a satisfying way. If I don’t eat and sleep regularly, I feel bad. If I don’t manage to control my perfectionism, I am mentally (and physically) running myself into the ground. If I don’t get enough sunlight and exercise, I get even more depressed. All of these accommodations are necessary because I am me. Even if they change, they will be replaced with other necessities and it’s fine. Selfcare is fine stuff. No need to apologize for being your own authentic self.
You know, when I was younger I had a phase where I started to realize that I was really miserable and would need a lot of changes in my life to be able to feel better. I looked for books and on-line material that could help me on my journey and I came across suggestions that didn’t make sense to me at that time. They didn’t help me because I wasn’t in a place where I could do anything about them.–When you’ve tried to become (emotionally) healthier and happier, you may know these moments when you finally can relate to other people’s explanations and experiences that you couldn’t relate to before.
One of these suggestions was to “love yourself”. I knew from the books I should love myself, but I had no fucking clue how to do that. Instead, all I felt was a giant void in my chest that needed filling with attention and appreciation by others. You probably can imagine that this way of living isn’t sustainable and so I could only be successful with this for certain periods of time. You just can’t use people that way for your emotional well-being and you shouldn’t. It will make everyone cranky at best and desperate at worst.
So NOW, for the people out there who are at a stage where they actually don’t get what “loving yourself” could mean, I will explain to you what it means to me/I think about it. I certainly haven’t fully managed it yet, but at least I am in a place where I can proceed with determination and confidence to get where I want to go.
“Love yourself” seems to be a rather strange demand. I mean, either you love someone, including yourself, or you don’t. But, like in relationships, it really is a process. Or at least, when you want to “suceed” at loving yourself, you should see it as a process. Because you want to go from not loving yourself/not knowing what the hell this is supposed to mean (now) to loving yourself (preferably soon), right? A process. Got that.
So. Loving yourself means actively trying to be nice to yourself.
Do you have a supportive inner monologue or are you scolding yourself without empathy when you do something wrong? I for example thought, I was really nice to myself. Then I realized that I am making fun of myself (in my head) when I am embarrassed. And it’s not in a good-natured sympathetic way, but rather unkind teasing.
Can you nurture yourself? That means, when you are sad about something, can you sit with it, be sad and have empathy for yourself instead of telling yourself you should get over it/suck it up or pushing the feeling away because you feel you are not strong enough to come through at the other side?
When you have achieved something (and we are not talking big “important” achievements here, but eating something, when you are depressed or finishing a small task of work etc.) can you give yourself credit for that?
And so on and so forth. Being your best inner cheerleader, respecting your boundaries, being forgiving with yourself, kind to yourself and not hard on you. That is what loving yourself means.
For other explanations, here are some comments over at Captain Awkward that try to describe loving yourself. (The thread is full of whiny dude/letter writer who can’t get over himself, so be prepared.)
Let’s have a look at zweisatz’s, staranise’s, solecism’s and JenniferP’s comments.